Monday, August 11, 2008!
fana HandWritten on; 4:53 AM
IZZAT MATIN !i dno wat to say alrd.
your words just simply hurt me.
i dno wad to do, cos every move i make, every word i say, hurts you.
maybe to you, those 3 golden words came out from my mouth cos i simply loveeeeeeee to say it.
but i say it and i mean it.
i do, i just dno how to express it any other way.
cos i suck at this.
i suck i relationships.
i suck in eveything.
i hurt u all the time, i always say the worngs things, and everyhting i do, isn't right in ur eyes.
i dont feel wrong wen i do smtg cos i dno it hurts u !
i swear, i dont.
i suck, and im sry.
the last thing u said to me, "u dun sound like u care bout me anymore..tell u the trhut my heart is aching badly now.."
u dnt think my heart hurts is it?
in the first place, i dnot love u.wen i accepted u i admit, i dnt love .
i do had sum feelings for u, but nt love.
i donot like that guy as much alrd.
but u succeded in stealing my heart away and lock it into urs.
u did ! and i love u for dat.
cos i learnt how to love u.
i learnt how to appreciate sumone whu cares so much for me.
i learnt all that frm u.
even with my parents, i dnt feel i appreciate them like hw i do to u.
i love u &i wan u &i need u.
it all just sound so damn easy for everyone else but im actually suffering now !
i did nt ever tell anyone about mytrue feelings ! like hw i do nw.
cos i feel i have to let go !
i dnt wan to keep everyhting trapped in my heart until the point i cant take it nomore.
its nt going to be nice.
in life, we must learn to knw wad cums first.
and light heartedly, i put u first, in front of everything else.
but i was wrong, i shud have nt dne dat.
cos if i do dat, its means, studies, families, and everything else cums in second.
which is just simply unfair.
they've knwn me longer, they've beared wih me longer.
why shud i do dat to them, puting them second.
so, i decided to put everyone as important.
eveyone and everything on one level.
and now, i failed to do anything right.
neither my studies, nor relationships nor family!
everthing ruined.
i knw dat had happened, but i jus went on.
wen relationships went bad, i jus stayed on, and try to make things better.
wen i suck at my studies, i do my best to improve,
wen i had a strain relationship with my family, i try to spend mre time at hmw.
wen my performance at cca is nt as expected, i do my best to keep trying and training hard.
but to achieve all those things i want, NOT FOR ME, but to make eveyone else happy, I END UP SCREWING EVERYTHING UP !
i fought with my bf, i failed exams, i didnt do well in netball , and i fought with my mom.
i suck man, suck !
in order to achieve smtg, i've gt to sacrifice smtg.
dats wad i learnt.
in order to spend time on my cca, i've got to sacrifice time frm my studies, bf and family.
in order to spend time with my bf, i;ve got to sacrifice time frm my studies, family and cca.
and it just goes on & on& on....
i love everything so much until the point i lose them.
so nw i sit here, thinking, WAD I WANT?
and i realise, i really love everything.
and everyone.
i dnt wan2 lose any of them.
i tried too hard to be the best.
to impress everyone.
to satisfy everyone.
i dont think of my feelings, my time, my health.
i just do wad i think was right.
i face everything in life with a smile.
but at times, i just break down , and cry.
no one knws,except god.
oh god, help me.
i dnt wan2 lose anything.
i love HIM!
pls, show me the way out of this!
wad can i do?
wad can i say?
evrything's simply nt right rite nw, with u and me.
and I BLAME MYSELF!
i dnt blame u.
i dnt blame my mom.
i blame myself.
cos life is all about making choices AND I MADE A WRONG ONE.
i suck,i really do.
let me just be myself without eveything for a few days.
i just dnt wanna knw about anythign nw.
just leave me alone, let me suffer and punish myself.
for all the wrong deeds ive dne.
cos i suck!
